


memory lane

by sugdensquad



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-03
Updated: 2016-05-03
Packaged: 2018-06-06 01:45:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6732976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugdensquad/pseuds/sugdensquad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Robert recounts the five most important memories he has of him and Aaron and explains why each had such an affect on him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	memory lane

**Author's Note:**

> This came to me during my slightly manic break from revising and I just had to write it. Enjoy, and any kudos/comments would be wonderful!

They were sat in the backroom of the pub, Aaron spread out on the sofa watching _Pointless_ while Robert was busy chopping peppers for their tea. Chas was out with Liv - a girly day shopping, she had told Aaron, but Robert had secretly asked her earlier if she could take Liv out to give them a night alone together. He’d been surprised when Chas had so easily accepted his request, had even given him a fond smile as she said: “No problem. I’m sure I can find something to keep her occupied for one evening.”

Robert couldn’t help but steal glances at him as he stirred the sauce on the hob, the novelty of having Aaron all to himself still not having worn off. He caught himself before his grin spread too wide - he’d been ribbed enough times for being overly-soppy and he didn’t fancy getting it again tonight, even if it was all light-hearted banter.

“I could get used to this,” he heard Aaron say and flicked his eyes towards him.

“Get used to what?” he enquired, now assembling all the ingredients together in the dish and shoving it in the roasting hot oven. It was a new recipe, one he’d been meaning to try ever since Vic had shoved it at him two weeks ago.

“And what am I supposed to do with this?” he’d asked her at the time, his face already screwing up as he read the very detailed instructions she’d scribbled down. He was a good cook, had plenty comments on his culinary skills, but Victoria tended to overestimate even what he could manage. 

“I’ve written it all down for you, it’s not hard. And I’m sure Aaron would like it,” she had replied, giving him that knowing look which was both infuriating and embarrassing in equal measure. There was only one person who could read Robert as well as Aaron, and that was his little sister.

Aaron had sat up on the sofa now, arms wrapped tightly around a cushion. “You. Cooking. It’s been a while since you made me a proper meal.”

He feigned a hurt expression, but it was true. They usually ate in the bar most nights, or takeaways, or occasionally Diane’s cooking when she convened a family dinner.

“Yeah, well, I had a bit of persuasion from Vic... Although this is a Hell of a lot more complicated than I first thought. Pretty sure she's made it difficult on purpose.”

Aaron let out a low rumble of laughter. “Maybe she thought you were getting too big for your boots,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows, before he leaned back on the sofa again. "I'm just hoping you don't set the whole thing on fire this time." 

Robert rolled his eyes at the memory, but in all honesty, Aaron wasn’t exaggerating. That had been when he was still with Chrissie, still living at Home Farm, his affair with Aaron still firmly under wraps.

“Yeah, don't remind me," he muttered, before smiling. "It’s in my top five, actually.”

It was supposed to have been _thought_ , not said aloud, and he felt the blood drain a little from his face as he braced himself for the question that was already forming on Aaron’s lips.

“Top five? Top five what?”

Robert sighed, because this was never something he’d intended to share. Not with anyone, but least of all Aaron. It was just something he’d made up, back when his life felt like a kaleidoscope of disjointed moments rather than the steady, contented course he was on now.

He bit down on the inside of his cheek, cursing himself for possibly ruining the one night he’d had alone with Aaron in weeks, before stepping out from the kitchen to face him.

“Don’t suppose you could just forget I said that?”

The look on Aaron’s face gave him all the answer he needed.

“No, I thought not.”

“What are you on about, Robert? What top five?” Aaron asked again, and his voice was laced with irritation, shoulders rigid and defensive. He needed to tell him, it was the only way to stop this from turning into an argument.

“Top five memories,” he replied tentatively, his voice barely above a whisper. He didn’t want to talk about this, to explain it. This was something personal to him, something he’d been able to rely on when his whole future was slipping through his fingers like sand.

Aaron’s brows furrowed, a deep crease etched between them as he gave Robert a questioning look. “Come again?” he asked, the heat having gone from his voice now. It was something at least.

Robert pulled out one of the chairs and sat down heavily, hands clasped together as if praying for some kind of miracle which would mean he could avoid this conversation. But Aaron was staring at him, expectant, and he knew there was no way out of this. He’d promised him, months ago now, back when he’d first agreed to take things slow, that he would always be honest with Aaron. And despite the odd blip, he had stuck to his word.

“This is going to sound daft, I know, but… well, I have five memories - the ones that are the most important to me - of you. My top five,” he explained hesitantly, unable to look Aaron directly in the eye.

“You’re right,” Aaron said, tone lighter than before, “that is daft.”

Robert smiled, relieved that he’d at least avoided a row. “Yeah, I know.”

“So what are these top five memories, then?”

_Damn._

“You don’t need to hear them.”

The tension in Aaron’s muscles returned, his jaw setting in a sharp line which Robert instinctively understood. He had never been able to read someone so thoroughly before, right down to the minute shifts of their body, but he was grateful for it now. It saved him from turning a minor fault into a colossal mistake.

“If you want to know, I’ll tell you,” he tried again, leaning forward now with his gaze focused directly on Aaron. “I’m just saying, they’re not that interesting.”

“They must mean something, though, if you’ve decided to rate them,” Aaron replied, his features softening just a fraction. And Robert couldn’t deny it, because his ability to understand Aaron was mutual - Robert couldn’t seem to hide anything from him, even when he tried.

He rubbed at his temple, the first throb resonating against his skull, chiselling into the bone. It was a warning, a signal that he was either about to make an idiot of himself - which would be bad enough - or upset Aaron - which was far, far worse.

“They’re just moments, really. You probably won’t remember half of them.”

“Then tell me,” Aaron fired back, but he had settled into the corner of the sofa and his blue eyes were wide and bright, encouraging Robert to continue. He didn’t have the heart or the willpower to refuse.

“You want me to start with number five?” he asked, and Aaron smiled now, triumphant, before nodding.

“Right. Well, number five is an easy one. You’ll remember it, or you better had, anyway. It was the first time we kissed.”

Aaron raised an eyebrow, cheeks flushing slightly. “Don’t flatter yourself, mate. I’ve had plenty of kisses, you can’t expect me to remember all of them-”

Robert chucked a scrunched up bit of paper at Aaron’s head which he ducked easily, and the two of them chuckled, desire slowly simmering behind each other’s eyes.

“Right. So, number four-”

“Hang on!” Aaron exclaimed, now tucking his feet up onto the sofa. “You haven’t said why that’s number five yet?”

Robert gave him an exasperated look. “You really want me to give you a reason for each of these?”

“Yeah, I do, as it goes.”

He rolled his eyes, but he’d long ago accepted that what Aaron wanted, he usually got, at least where Robert was concerned. He had a very hard time refusing him anything now.

“Fine. It’s on the list because… well, because I’d been wanting to kiss you for weeks, bottled it more than once, and when I finally did… Come on, Aaron, you know as well as I do!” The heat was rising up his neck now, and he wasn’t sure whether it was embarrassment or lust which had him ducking his head and avoiding Aaron’s gaze.

“All right. Keep going. What’s number four?”

This one Aaron wouldn’t remember, but it was a damned site easier to explain than number five. “First time we went to a hotel. It was the middle of the night, something woke me up although I forget what, now. And when I opened my eyes, you were practically balanced on the edge of the bed, curled in on yourself. I was half-asleep but I remembered thinking how much I wanted you closer to me, so I wrapped an arm around your waist and gently pulled you back till we were lying against each other.”

“Why is that on the list?”

“Actually, that’s not the important part. That came next,” Robert continued, the memory of it radiating across his chest and making him smile. “You were sound asleep, but you must have sensed that I was closer now or something because your hand found mine under the covers and you laced them together. I don’t know why, but it just made me smile. Knowing that, even when you were dreaming, you still wanted me.”

Aaron looked stunned, as if he wasn’t entirely sure he’d heard Robert correctly, and his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed hard.

“No, I can’t say I remember that one,” he breathed, eyes darting around the room. “What about number three?”

This one was significant, especially considering it happened right here. Robert had been sat at the table actually.

“The first time I told you I loved you,” he said matter-of-factly, his voice stronger than he’d imagined it would be. He was still proud of that memory, proud of how courageous he’d been despite the situation which had prompted him to say it in the first place. There weren’t many times in his life when he’d felt properly brave, but that was one of them.

“That’s number three? Why?”

Robert shrugged. “I’d known for a while how I felt about you. But thinking it and accepting it were two different things, far less actually saying it out loud. And when I eventually did… I thought it would have been the end of everything. But it wasn’t. I just felt… free.”

Aaron was chewing on his lower lip, his eyes distant as his mind wandered. Robert gave him a minute to digest everything he’d just said, and gave himself a moment to gear up for the final two.

“Not really sure how you can top that, to be honest,” Aaron joked, but his voice shivered with nerves.

“The next one is related to me cooking,” he explained, his gaze flicking across to the oven before sliding back to Aaron. “Us, alone together, for a whole week at Home Farm.”

It was one of the happiest memories he had of that place, one of the few times he’d truly felt like himself. With Chrissie and Lawrence and Lachlan, everything had been so set and controlled, no room for manoeuvring, but with Aaron it had been relaxed. Easy. Natural.

“Why is that at number two?” Aaron asked cautiously, as if all the dots were right in front of him but he couldn’t seem to join them up to form the picture.

“Before that point, I’d been able to convince myself we were just… having fun. It was an affair, a fling, nothing more than two people having sex. But that whole week, I didn’t once question how right it felt, being with you properly. That was the point I knew I couldn’t keep pretending - the point when I realised I wanted more for us than just the scraps left over.”

Aaron seemed to squirm in his seat and Robert thought about going over to him, taking his hand. But he still had number one left, and he wasn’t sure Aaron would want him close by when he heard it.

“That just leaves the big finale, then?”

He nodded, lips clamped together, refusing to say it.

“What’s wrong? You’re not bottling it on the last one, are you?” Aaron joked, but there was a thread of fear to the words which made his voice rise higher than it should have. Robert knew how he felt.

“Aaron… It’s not the happiest of memories. In fact, technically, it was one of the worst days of my life.”

“Why is it at number one, then?”

Robert looked up, met Aaron’s gaze, and sighed. “Because there was nowhere else I could have put it. Even though it’s tainted, even though everything that came after it was terrible… that one moment was…” He stopped himself, the clarity of that particular memory so sharp that it felt like a kick to the gut each time he remembered it.

“Tell me,” Aaron said, hushed but determined.

His fingers pressed into his thighs, nails digging into the stiff, denim material until it was almost painful.

“When you told me you loved me.”

The words hung in the air between them, the silence a deafening vacuum which seemed to close in around Robert’s ears. Perhaps Aaron had been expecting it, certainly Robert couldn’t think of any other memory which came close to it. It was the one he cherished the most, the one he had clung to when everything else had been lost.

He glanced briefly across to where Aaron was now hunched forwards, chin pressed into the top of the cushion, eyes trained on the coffee table in front of him.

“You all right?” he asked, not certain of what else he could say.

Aaron nodded, flicking his eyes up to meet Robert’s worried expression. “That really your number one memory?”

Robert refrained from laughing, because Aaron seemed so unsure, so disbelieving, whereas Robert had never been more certain of anything in his life.

“Course. Like I said, the rest of that day was a nightmare… but that moment was everything.”

He could feel himself skating close to the edge, to some part of himself which he rarely glimpsed at, far less deliberately went in search for. The part of him which had only really surfaced in that second where Aaron had opened his heart completely, bared his soul for Robert to see. The part of him which was as fragile as glass, riddled with cracks and chips and scratches, broken and mended over and over again. And those words had shattered and healed him all at once.

Aaron, too, seemed to be warring with himself, thumbs rubbing together as he hugged the cushion tighter against his chest. He was closing himself off and all Robert could do was watch, too terrified to move in case it sent Aaron bolting for the door.

“I knew I shouldn’t have told you,” he murmured eventually, the regret pressing down on his shoulders as he slumped forwards in his seat, resting his head in his hands.

“No, I’m glad you did. Just didn’t expect it, that’s all.”

Robert nodded. “Yeah, well, I came up with it a long time ago. Back when I didn’t think I’d have the chance to make any new memories with you.”

“So… you were still with Chrissie, then? When you made up this list?” He sounded genuinely curious, no bite at all to the words, but even hearing Chrissie’s name coming out of Aaron’s mouth immediately had him tensing.

“I needed it,” Robert admitted with a sigh, raking his fingers through his hair. “Sometimes, being in that house, with them… I felt trapped. And there were nights when I couldn’t stand it, couldn’t take lying there next to her. So I’d go downstairs and I’d sit in the dark, sometimes to drown my sorrows or… or sometimes I’d think about you.”

“Me?”

It still astounded Robert sometimes that Aaron could still be so oblivious to how Robert felt about him. He’d done everything he could to show him, to tell him, but still Aaron doubted. He never liked to dwell too long on it, but sometimes Robert wondered if he’d ever fully trust him again.

“Yes, you,” he said forcefully, hoping against all hope that Aaron would take him at his word. “And my mind would usually wander to the same memories. So, eventually there was a top 5 without me really trying. I just tended to think about them the most, replaying them when things were tough.”

“But why?”

Robert rubbed the back of his neck, Aaron’s gaze burrowing under his skin. Most of the time, when Aaron looked at him, it was a casual glance or a soft gaze which was disguised quickly. But when he chose to fix Robert with those intense blue eyes, he found himself entirely helpless, rooted to the spot.

“They helped,” he answered truthfully.

“And how did it work, then? Your rating system? How did you decide what order to put them in?”

“It depended on how bad I was feeling, really. If it was just Lachlan being a brat, then I only needed to think of us on that stretch of road, first time we kissed, and I’d be fine. But if I was about go off the deep-end, ready to lose it, then I needed something… stronger, I suppose. Something that could pull me back.”

“Your number one?”

“Yeah. I saved number one for when nothing else was working. The only thing that could stop me from going insane.”

Aaron nodded, and there was a glint of tears in his eyes. “And that’s what pulled you back, is it? Me saying-”

“Don’t,” Robert immediately interjected.

“What?”

“Don’t say it. I don’t want to hear it until you actually mean it.”

Aaron huffed, discarding the cushion and reaching out his arm. “Robert…”

“I’m serious, Aaron. I’m happy to wait, I want to. Just… don’t say it until you’re ready.”

He took Aaron’s hand, allowing himself to be pulled off his chair, and shuffled round till he could sink down next to him. Their hands stayed entangled, and it was the physical reassurance Robert hadn’t realised he’d been craving up until that point.

“You know, most of the time I can pretty much guess what you’re going to do or say. You’ve got these tells, just little things that let me know what you’re thinking. But I swear to God, Robert, when you catch me off guard…” His voice caught in his throat and Robert instinctively squeezed his hand tighter.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told you.”

Aaron smiled, the glint of tears in his eyes. “I’m glad you did. It’s just… back then, I never once imagined you thought about me, not like that. Most of the time you didn’t seem to give a damn about anyone… and I suppose I always thought that included me.”

Robert leaned forwards without thinking, cupping Aaron’s cheek with his free hand, and fought back the urge to kiss him.

“Aaron, there were some days when the only thing that got me through was thinking about you. Those memories were a lifeline for me, a reminder that I wasn’t completely alone. That someone out there… _you_ … loved me.”

They were smiling now, shaky and weak, but smiling, and Aaron leaned closer, noses brushing against each other. Their lips were an inch apart, their breath mingling together, and Robert closed his eyes, longing clouding his mind.

“Robert,” he heard Aaron breathe, and he dipped his head a fraction, needing to feel Aaron’s lips against his own.

“I love you.”

The world tilted slightly on its axis, enough for Robert to feel himself sway backwards a little. The words sounded different to before. Not fraught with fear and desperation, or tinged with resignation, knowing Robert wouldn’t say it back. This time they were full of hope, sweet and sure, unlike anything he’d heard before. He let his eyes flutter open, allowed himself a second or two to just stare at Aaron’s face, before he closed them again and closed the gap to kiss him.

 _Yes_ , he thought as they folded into each other, _this is what it feels like to be loved._


End file.
